Unruly POWs Will Not Be Tolerated!
by willwrite4fics
Summary: Naughty prisoners make Klink a bit crazy. If he scolds Hogan, things will change, right? Right? Entry for the Short Story Speed Writing Challenge


The fish starts stinking at the head. Der Fisch stinkt vom Kopf her.

A German saying. I found this one kind of fun to write today, but considering my lack of sleep, that could be the reason. I hope that everyone enjoys these.

* * *

Hogan sauntered into the kommandant's office. "Good afternoon, Kommandant! You requested my presence?" He flopped into the chair in front of Klink's desk and tossed his cap onto the helmet on the edge of the desk.

"No, Hogan." Klink plucked the cap off of his helmet and tossed it disgustedly back into Hogan's lap. "I _ordered_ you into my office. I am the kommandant here."

"Of course, of course." Hogan settled his cap onto a bare corner of desk and looked attentively at Klink as he crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair. "What can I do for you, kommandant?"

Klink folded his hands on the desk. "I have had several reports the last two days. Several reports of poor behavior and several reports regarding prisoners breaking the rules." He scooped up several sheets of paper to hold up. "This is unacceptable. Unacceptable, Hogan, do you hear me? I will not have it."

Hogan tilted his head, giving off the impression that he was completely puzzled by all of this. "What sort of reports? No one brought me any reports."

"Hogan, why would anyone bring you reports? You are a prisoner!" Klink huffed and started pulling the reports out of the stack. "Someone painted nasty words on one of the buildings. This is not acceptable and your men will repaint that building. I want the parties responsible to be punished or I will send them to the cooler for a week, do you understand?"

"How do you know it was one of my men and not one of your guards?" Hogan wasn't moved at all.

Klink inhaled as he leaned forward. "Because they painted 'Klink is a fink' on all four sides." He frowned.

Hogan shrugged. "Sounds more like the guards to me."

"Hogan!" Klink scowled and moved to the next page. "Then an entire box of potatoes was stolen from the messhall. Food theft is not tolerated at all." He plucked up a second report. "Then I'm told some of the guards found homemade booze, made from those stolen potatoes! Unacceptable, Hogan!"

"Technically it was homemade vodka. We did request grapes to make wine but you refused, kommandant, what do you expect us to do? We have to work with what we have, you know. If you want to supply us with some grapes, maybe the end product will taste better. Although the vodka was stronger. It takes paint right off metal, no problem." said Hogan proudly.

"Yes yes..." Klink switched papers again. "That's why I have this complaint about the paint being eaten off my staffcar, when one of your men poured a bucket of it over the hood."

"Well, it does look like water, sir… it's an understandable mistake." Hogan smiled slightly.

Klink was unamused. "It was on fire at the time, Hogan."

"Oh." Hogan seemed to think it over. "Well, I'm sure they were just trying to put the fire out, kommandant."

"Yes, maybe next time they will instead not set a fire..." Klink picked up another slightly singed page. "… to the supply hut. Those supplies are for your men as well as my guards and destroying any supplies will be punished most severely."

"Of course, kommandant." Hogan agreed easily. "Of course, if they are _our_ supplies, perhaps you could actually let us have some of our Red Cross packages? They seem to be missing this month… considering that it's three weeks since they arrived."

"Your packages will be distributed when I say so, Hogan, not before!" Klink slapped the desk. "I will not put up with all these violations of the rules!" He snatched up a page to shake at Hogan. "Corporal Newkirk was caught in the officer's messhall!"

"He was just cleaning it! You're the one who wanted prisoners to perform cleaning details! Now you're accusing them of being thieves when they do as ordered!" Hogan shot right back.

"He was found with two bottles of scotch and fourteen silver spoons in his pockets!" shouted Klink.

"He was safekeeping them while he cleaned! You would have been angry if they got broken or misplaced!" Hogan raised his voice slightly. "If you don't want my men doing work details, then I'll tell them to stop!" He huffed dramatically. "Tell your men to work double shifts and clean the compound and the buildings and dust your office and do all the repairs and work on the cars and just everything!" His eyes went slightly sly. "Besides, it will give the men more time to work on escape plans."

Klink went pale. "No, Hogan, no no. They can still do work details… I'm sure..." He grimaced as he looked at the report in his hand. "I'm sure that Corporal Newkirk did not mean any harm." He gritted his teeth as he spoke. "I will overlook it… this time." Before Hogan could look too triumphant, he continued with another report. "But in the last two days, Sergeant Carter has been removed from the roof of one of the barracks at least four times."

"Carter needs to be on the roof for his Indian ceremony." Hogan sounded completely reasonable. "Normally he would be on a mountaintop, but he felt that you might object if he left camp to find a local mountaintop. I mean, if you'd rather he go outside of camp for a high spot… I'll let him know."

Klink objected again. "No no, Hogan, let's be completely honest. If Sergeant Carter requires a roof top to… to… do whatever it is that he is doing… then he needs to ask permission first." Nodding decisively, Klink continued. "If he asks for permission then perhaps I can allow the occasional five minutes on a roof. But only if he clears his activities first."

"I'll tell him. I'm sure that he will take your advice under consideration," agreed Hogan.

"Hogan, it is not advice! It is an order! I am the kommandant and I'm ordering him, not advising him!" Klink stood up and paced back and forth. "I have reports of prisoners taunting my guards, prisoners stealing things, prisoners being caught on rooftops and even one report of Sergeant Olson being caught in one of the guard towers!" Klink leaned on his desk. "What reason could Sergeant Olson have to be in a guard tower? Tell me that, Hogan!"

"He was scouting it out for Sergeant Carter," replied Hogan calmly. "You wouldn't expect for Carter to just climb up without knowing beforehand. You did want him to ask permission but what if it wasn't the right place to use? Then it gets confusing."

"Hogan. You don't seriously think that I believe that sort of argument?" Klink nodded at him. "I'm not stupid."

"Well they could be joining in the escape committee instead, you are right. I'll advise them in a better use of their time." Hogan wore that infuriating smile. "I'm sure they'll prefer escape plans anyway."

"No Hogan, there has never been an escape. Your men should accept that they will never escape. They can find other activities. Things that don't break the rules. Things that don't involve stealing."

"Perhaps," admitted Hogan. "However, I don't see what any of this has to do with you wanting to yell at me. Didn't you yell at them?"

"Hogan, the fish starts stinking from the head. _You_ are the senior prisoner of war and _you_ shall control your men. I expect you to do your job properly." Klink scolded him. "If you think that I don't know that you are up to something..."

Hogan snorted. "Up to something? What could I be up to?" Hogan spread his hands out, showing his best innocent face. "With the most competent kommandant in Germany? In the only prison camp that has had no escapes? What could I possibly be up to?"

"I don't know!" shouted Klink. "I don't know but I do know that you are up to something and I am telling you right now to not do it!" He slapped his desk and then sat down. "Please Hogan… I implore you."

"Well since you're asking nicely, I guess I can look into it. Perhaps if our Red Cross packages were handed out…" Hogan managed to sound indecisive.

"Done." Klink agreed quickly but Hogan wasn't done.

"AND if we got hot food for one meal a day while it's so cold," said Hogan.

"Agreed… for two weeks." Klink qualified the agreement quickly.

"Agreed. And hot showers." Hogan added this with a flourish.

"No. No hot showers." Klink's tone was firm but he then shrugged. "The water heaters are down and we haven't gotten the parts to repair them."

"Fair enough." Hogan got up and slapped his hat onto his pants a few times. "If that's all, kommandant?"

"Yes, Hogan, that's all." Klink sighed in defeat. "Dismissed… but talk to your men!"

"I will. I'm headed right for the Escape Committee meeting, so I'll bring it up and see what they say." Hogan flipped a quick salute towards the German officer. "Thanks."

The door closed on Klink's shouted "HOGAN!"

* * *

End

Poor Klink. He just wants his stalag to run uneventfully. He just wants quiet prisoners who don't do anything naughty. Is that too much to ask? Of course it is! When Hogan wants things!


End file.
